Have you ever spent time with family during the holiday season and someone made a comment about your body that was not only uncomfortable, but downright hurtful?

Perhaps it was your mother, father, sibling, grandparent or distant relative!

No matter who the comment originated from or whether it was intentional or unintentional, the truth is IT SUCKS and the hurt remains the same! What makes matters worse, is the fact that ongoing, verbally abusive comments, including comments related to body shaming, often lead to depressive symptoms, body related dissatisfaction or anxiety and even disordered eating!

The good news is that there are ways to set boundaries around how others communicate with us!

DEAR MAN is a DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skill that helps us to navigate our way through those uncomfortable, often difficult conversations with others by communicating our feelings and needs effectively and assertively, without escalating the situation!

Let’s try it out!

Imagine you’re at a holiday gathering with family, perhaps surrounded by relatives you haven’t spoken to in years, and then it happens. Your mother-in-law, with a scrutinizing look, turns towards you and drops a painful comment about your weight!

Here’s How to Set Boundaries and Have Difficult Conversations with Family Members Using the DEAR MAN DBT Skill:

D – Describe:
Begin by clearly and objectively describing the situation or behavior without making judgments or interpretations. Keep it factual.
Example: “Mom, I noticed that you like to talk about my weight a lot.”

E – Express:
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation using “I” statements without placing blame.
Example: “I feel uncomfortable talking about my weight or size.”

A – Assert:
Clearly assert what you need or want to happen in the situation, being as direct as possible.
Example: “I’d appreciate it if we could shift the conversation to something else.”

R – Reinforce:
Reinforce the positive outcomes that could occur if your needs are met.
Example: “Today, we’re here to just enjoy our time together and have fun.”

M – Mindful:
Remember to stay mindful and in the present moment. Focus on the current situation and your communication goals. Don’t get sidetracked by irrelevant issues.

A – Appear confident:
Use good body language while communicating your needs. Confidence is key!

N – Negotiate:
It’s okay to negotiate a compromise with the other person, and be flexible if you feel comfortable doing so, but if not, it’s also okay to hold firm to your boundaries!

Do you need guided support surrounding setting boundaries with family members? The Mindfulness Space is here to help!

Stefanie Lawson is a licensed therapist with nearly a decade of clinical experience and owner of The Mindfulness Space therapy in Greensboro North Carolina, where she maintains specialized education and training in treating the underlying depression, anxiety, stress or unresolved trauma that often leads to eating disorders and issues concerning body image dissatisfaction (i.e. Body Dysmorphic Disorder) in adults and transitional aged teens (older teenagers who are transitioning into adulthood).

Schedule your free 30 minute consultation call with The Mindfulness Space today to learn more about how we can help you!